today hard, tomorrow hard

by lifetime achievement award

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about

each song was written and produced week by week from:
10/13/2015 - 10/13/2016

credits

released October 21, 2016

this project was written and produced by Jay Joslyn

in light of the inauguration of president Donald Trump, you can pay what you want for “today hard, tomorrow hard” and all proceeds will be donated to the ACLU (action.aclu.org/secure/donate-to-aclu)

special thanks to:
Alex Shah, Grant Postier, Jake Marine (voicemail samples), Stephanie Lane Gage / Martian press (album art), Max Kubicki (for giving me his Omnichord!)

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license

all rights reserved

about

lifetime achievement award Milwaukee, Wisconsin

in light of the inauguration of president Donald Trump, you can pay what you want for “today hard, tomorrow hard” and all proceeds will be donated to the ACLU (action.aclu.org/secure/donate-to-aclu)

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Track Name: note that you wrote
It's a growing and real concern
As the winter's coming
slowing down this early
is truly a waring sign

I'm sure it's nothing,
if you planned on leaving
you will fail to feel
as worth it
on the other side
(so you wrote it down)

the note that you wrote
on the paper moved onto your arm
it's illegible, now unable to say
what it is that you wanted to say in the first place
Track Name: you can't fit
Unabashed
or even that funny most of the time
you know i'd be lying
if I said something nice
I take the time to notice
the subtle instances
ignoring
the pleasant and the absurd things I don't mean
so clearly you're clueless by thinking
that there's a spot for you here and you're missing
the baggage you brought is too much and now you can't fit
Track Name: javascript?
you lock the door
to the bathroom at your
friends house
parties like this get so loud

in the shower
drinking a beer
you can't stand to see
your reflection in the vanity mirror

shutter to think i've been at it all wrong
no one likes you on the internet
starting to think i've been doing it wrong
can hardly understand javascript

you lock the door
to your bedroom
it's just so hard
going out is just so hard
you don't do it anymore

shutter to think i've been doing it wrong
no one likes you on the internet
starting to think i've been at it all wrong
can hardly understand javascript
Track Name: movie monster magic
it’s hard not to feel like
i’m standing in my own way just to feel okay
remember the tungsten
lightbulb pond inside your brain
if it makes you feel more brave

11 years and a couple days
i’ve felt about the same
the elephants in tiny rooms
just take on different shapes
and if you look to me with sympathetic
eyes, i'll smile
it’s nothing i can change

too often i’m reminded
how fucked it is to bank
on expectations or consistent things
the picture confidently framed
is a whiplash and disappointing
when the mementos are ghostly
theres little hope
that the elephants will keep you happy
you know they won’t

movie monster magic
hiding in your rue
having it’s own way
the nail in the coffin of the stranger that is you
it was the stranger that we knew
Track Name: the boy, the leash, the empty seat
two dogs the product of
systematic, careful breeding
reach up to the end of their leash
capable of little
a man on a tandem bike
hauling the weight of a missing piece
uphill
a fossil on a laser disc:
suburban white boy revel in
the systematic spoils
but inevitably hates himself

so you stick a flag at the top of it
revel in
the perfect iteration
piecing out the
viscera and dermis
it usually takes a while
Track Name: when you're sad, you're hungry
the two sisters on my lunch break
resolved whatever it was that bothered them so much
there's a couple on their first date
they weren't as compatible as they thought
and it was painful to watch

the all too familiar feeling
completely obliterated on the kitchen floor
the all too familiar feeling
completely bummed out at the first sign of defeat
that's where you can find me

i swear i tried real hard
(no you didn't try at all)
swear i tried real hard
(no you didn't)
Fine!

and any given red bike i see
is a sucker punch from
a far reaching east side wind
and it'll be the bicentennial of: 'Me Feeling Sorry For Myself'
before i let something like that win

i swear i tried real hard
(no you didn't try at all)
swear i tried real hard
(no you didn't)
Track Name: Darth Disney
(Hello all my party people, how you feeling tonight?
you feel good? you look gooooood. this next one goes out to all my homies that got vaporized on Alderaan. this is an open letter to J. J. Abrams)

before i see
the new star wars i
need to be
reassured that
jar jar binks
and palpatine
weren’t in on some
bigger scheme than what was on the screen

the evidence is almost too compelling

J. J. Abrams please don’t let me down!

*~ you know i’m not blind… J. J. Abrams = Jar Jar Abrams? do the math…~*

Padmé Anakiin and Obi Wan Kenobi
both halves of Darth Maul and Qui-Gon are gone
so do your best to keep them gone!

(now J. J. Abrams, i didn’t necessarily mean that you shouldn’t think about bringing Darth Maul back into the movie series
cause in 'Episode I' you never actually see him die, and theres a lot of fan-fiction and stuff that’s not necessarily part of the prequels or the original movies ,but Darth Maul could still be alive i guess( oh and also Darth Maul was probably the best part of the Prequels so that would be really cool if you brought him back*))

~~~ and here we go again~~~

before i see
the new star wars i need to be
reassured
that walt disney isn’t actually
a sith lord
amassing a giant army
funded by the massive fan community
including me
Track Name: ode to the local band
all three bands separately
neglected to bring anything
relying on the local band and sound man
the bartender said:
~
"hey man, you'll be drinking domestic beers and rail drinks
for the rest of your natural life"
~
who the heck is the kid messing with the sound board
who the heck does he think he is when he's fucking with the sound board

double book yourself all the time
have your way almost every fight
Track Name: credential best fervor
literally, you listened to me
not having fun.
with the fire
the rat tail of my musical career.
in the margin, screaming and shifting
jockeying for some reason that is beyond me
if you listened carefully
you can hear a part of me
dying so loud.
lamenting so proudly
but what good is it to tear you apart
the uncanny perceptive quality would be
wasted on no one better but myself
standing at the drums like an idiot.
strumming the guitar like an idiot
dialing in the bass like an idiot
Track Name: there's no 'i' in wndex
my disembodied reflection in the shower curtain
the revelation, that i only write about self doubt lately
i only ever wanted a beach body
if it meant being well received
but eating like shit means so much to me

my disembodied perspective
never present in the moment
only retroactively
i want a shine with the streak free variety

my winter ware covers up my face
no one knows me, it’s so exciting
i feel like i’m nobody for the first time
but if you pry open my clothes
just two boys in a totem pole trench coat
drinking too much beer and trying to get laid

my disembodied perspective
never present in the moment
only retroactively
i want a shine with the streak free variety

no more mirrors, nothing to doubt these days
in many ways, gone gone gone
Track Name: NBA
it’s summer outside of a compact car
its hard to relate when the conversation gets dark
your contempt for the way you’ve been living is heartbreaking
didn’t get it at the time, i didn’t understand so i just dipped out

so i kept it to myself
in the parking lot at wal-mart

it took a lot to convince that
it wasn’t like that to begin with
should've poured the hot coffee in your lap
smashed in your face with bloody ceramic
(i don’t mean that)
but nobody knows what you mean
do you hear yourself talking? you’re the only one laughing
at the three point line the surgeon tried a fade away but your brain didn’t make it in
Track Name: Ivan Ooze goes back to school
Ivan Ooze
goes back to school
to get his bachelors degree
in clinical psychology
but if his parents knew what
he’d rather do:
spend 6,000 years in a cocoon
just to figure it out

go outside
come back in
go back to bed
"don’t call it a comeback"
cause you might as well have
never left
might as well have
never left

dad comes in with his
“do or die"
do or die ivan, just get a job
mom says sweetie
“everything will be fine if you try"
take your time but you have to leave
Track Name: a pack of foma
I played the fool for you
and you loved it
Track Name: iternet street cred
caution to the local bands
i’m here to steal your internet street creed
by doing something so crazy its
not even actually doing anything at all
it’s a hierarchy
that i would love to play along
but i’m hard pressed to be confident in anything

it’s a loose fit
edges corners come together
but the picture’s a mess,
what the fuck is even the point of a puzzle?
i’ll never understand it
I’m easily upset which i'll never admit

i’m not willing to deal with being pitiful
i’m just a star spangled asshole of millenials
before there’s any ‘doing'
i start shit talking let my mouth go loose
slack-jawed and in awe at only
good news that’s not even half worth mentioning
if in half worth anything theres a degree of sincerity
i do well to keep only to myself
like this bit
"a vendetta against the local bands
that only talk about their street cred"
Track Name: something to do with how often you do it
with flossing i’ve come to expect
an amount of blood in my spit
something to do with how often you do it

just like when i go out i wish i hadn't
i see a friend across the bar
but they pretend that they didn’t see me

lately parties suck
going out is rough
and i get cozy so early
lately

is it avoidable?
Track Name: pissing contest of being loud
what did you expect
to happen
when you go off the deep end?
a 9 year long grudge
where did you get that number from?

you wrote it off
as being old enough
to make everyone you love
feel crummy
sow your seeds
in Miami
it’s less about what you said
than what you mean

up until the parking meter blinked
you lead on this believing streak
that there was an amicable ending to see
but was dismissed immediately
a pissing contest of being loud

am I too loud?
Track Name: understanding or direction
here’s to you; unforgiving universe
you offers little in the way of
understanding or direction
if it’s a matter of perspective
i only have a funny answer

now with my brand new expectations
and multivitamins replenished
i can take on what i’ve started
oh no, i’m so sleepy again

i am a sentient worm
food to a flightless bird
unless i get to them first

i feel productive
but the thought alone is dangerous
a ridged sense of momentum
is where hard feelings foster

they call me a single serving friend
better than too many portions
“i’ll make it out if i can"
oh no i’m so sleepy again!
Track Name: bad resolution
he ate the apple
core and all
illusions of being special
in a silent car
but its so much more
no, at least it’s not right now

the weight you Carried
talking only so flowery
cause i’m always so ready
but never willing to be sorry
at least not right now

whole apple in my mouth

missing out with the ‘in’ crowd
Track Name: treasure trove
never the best
but certainly no that bad
there’s something to be said for that
i’m sure there is
somewhere in the back
he is poorly lit

don’t get too down on yourself just yet
there’s a treasure trove of disappointment to be had
if you dug it all out felt all there is to be felt,
that’s too bad

the noir scene was lit by a single air traffic control light,
the man removed his fedora, with misty and hopeful eyes lamenting to the embodiment of his life before him; a beautiful woman in a slim dress and red lips. one couldn’t help but feel unresolved tension as she got on the plane taking her far far away from him. no words were exchanged as the doors closed and the engines taxied, but you could almost hear him say

"Man, that’s a huge bummer"

don’t get too down on yourself just yet
there’s a treasure trove of disappointment to be had
if you dug it all out felt all there is to be felt,
that’s too bad
Track Name: editorial on how to smile through it
It's getting easier to worry about my short term memory.
its hard to believe that despite every day feeling increasingly the same
you cling to the things that keep them interesting

but i’m clocked out on the bad times
reading pretty good advice
an editorial on how to smile through it

but then it sinks in
in 4D from behind and in front of me
its all already happened
and always happening
when the progress bar is buffering

talking about the hard times
waking up is never as nice
as in commercials for coffee

you gotta
own what it is you’re feeling
i take things so slowly
understandably
but inevitably something unexpected
comes undone
Track Name: wrinkle
is it really that fun?
so shamelessly committed
to feeling like you fit in
a facet in the problem
but isn’t it just so nice
to be home sometimes

am i as small as i feel?
when i make believe interesting things about me
come on tell it to me straight
i’m boring! i’m so boring these days

"honestly
you cut back on fun things”
Track Name: thorn
we find circumstantial humor so astounding
but the volume and values that you challenge are staggering
it’s like you brushed your teeth then drank O.J
set yourself up for defeat then complain anyways

now you’re doubting
that memories have teeth
and barbs
and poking things that sink deep
while ignoring
the words that you say
hunt you down
and suck out your creativity

isn’t that something?
Track Name: sitcom wet dream
the ice tray left out and empty
everything i do feels so clumsy
wouldn’t you agree?

couldn’t help but feel the bad impression
gave us nothing but a run on sentence
there no mistaking common curtesy
but i won’t comment

and you’re not wrong

in believing in substantial nightmares
spending your time in constant danger
of falling in the sitcom wet dream
the live audience folded hands and gasping
Track Name: squatch in portland
you’re friend
in in the north west
a shadowy shape in the distance
lumbering but sure not to look like their trying too hard
they’re digging in their mom and dad's pockets
rent is so expensive where you come from
but if you evaporate when you make plans, were they ever plans at all?
were you ever there at all?
Track Name: ride or die
It's the year
What must have been 2002
And I have fallen face first and fast into
the land boundaries of my then best friends property
off of his older brothers
Purple mini bike
Oh geez!
i still feel the dirt and twigs
to say the least
the hard blood stains
on my sisters hand me down gumby shirt
went over poorly with my family
my dad took me to a bk (of all places) where i got it together
where i felt fine!
but to this day i feel the small engine revving on my thigh
and the feeling that i had died is unmistaken and hard to be shaken
but the value that can’t be learned with the burn in my eyes from crying
just a vulnerable baby that can’t ride or die but that’s nothing new
Track Name: slow dog
i’m not the amateur i was
but i pretend i’m better than i am
i do all the talking with my hands

the final humiliation

heard a podcast about the BPM
and the speed people walk in any given city
makes me wonder why everybody's moving quickly

no, no it can’t be
no, no it’s not me
Track Name: second opinion
when you came
unannounced
with no expectations
it cut me so deeply that
pieces are still dangling

do believe in the evil things
that coordinates such hell fire?

i’m only asking for a friend

everyone i know
has such big picture plans
but they can’t see what’s right in front of them

did you paint
a picture perfect representation
of the next 30 years in your head?
it must be nice to have foresight like that
you got me convinced
Track Name: stay inside pony boy
do you tend to be nervous at all cost?
would you want to panic in public restrooms? (of course not)
Cringe at the thought of acting socially

it’s hard not think about all of
your friends successes
and want one of them
despite being happy for their well being

stay inside ponyboy
and regret
nothing ever again
sing a song
write 24 more
you’re a
tongue tied eyesore of a functioning human
Track Name: we've got mice again
we’ve got mice again

they’re in the ceiling
shitting on everything
picking snacks
off the traps

the landlord
suggested
chemical warfare
which is kinda fucked up if you ask me

but we've got mice again

ominous
but an honest attempt at conversation
i’m a crutch for a lead pipe
whose had a few too many to drink

so you ram the sharpened piece of amethyst into your forehead
vaporize the representations you find most displeasing
instead of talking bout your feelings

we've got mice again
Track Name: five twelve times
sincere
and advantageous
i’m working on myself
lately
measuring my worth In paychecks again
let me tell ya something
while you’re looking at the hourglass
hoping you can flip it over just so you can start again
but you’re denying yourself
by daydreaming and pretending
you’re saying
music is a garbage pursuit
but you do it
anyways
but you do it
anyways
you don’t hang out
you just complain
you never read you just complain
so now you got your brand new library card and the
pin is the number five twelve times

i looked at the itinerary, i don’t want to go anymore
i wanted a car but i’m working at my student loans
people say i need to put myself out there, but i won’t
Track Name: lunch
there’s nothing new on the craigslist free stuff page
so stop checking
the armoire and dresser set are probably gone
and thats fine

try to live within your means
is what they tell everybody
if you’re not a moving piece in society,
you’re good at pretending to be

i get so scared of succeeding
or at least at the thought
if it means compromising what i want
and i can’t get over that homeless woman’s
tears collecting on my shirt when i bought her lunch
Track Name: diet spite
my dad’s concerned if i’m making money
when the means and form
would be a better hobby
i touched my reflection
and felt how strange and flat my hand is behind the glass

say something good
about what seemed so important at the time
now it’s burned your mouth
you kept it to yourself for so long
thats fine if that’s what you want

No fruits of my labor
no pulp left over
its hard to feel bad when you didn't front the effort
Track Name: hangnail of the century
it's the hangnail of the century
don't get blood on my things
Track Name: trout sit
the revelation that my ex
girlfriends new boyfriend and my girl
friend have dogs that are the same breed
but in a varying of their color scheme

how entertaining it must be

they turned the ac on at work
and i wanted water so badly
probably from all the coffee i’ve drinking
oh i bike home back from work
and i see trout dog standing there
and he's barking at me cause i’m wearing a helmet

saying "oh oh oh oh oh oh get bent!"
Track Name: dismissible listicle
The unexpected consequence
The importance that you put on it
When you opened your mouth
When you said what you said

you don't understand
talk shit about those who you’re so dependent
Track Name: she's got flies again
she's got flies again
and a real bad one
with an affinity for administration
a bureaucrat, she got redacted
she let things get carried away

and then she had a real bummer day
and the fly followed her into her room
buzzing all the words that make things worse
making her hate herself
with no one to blame
for her bad self worth

a stolen cactus
a new window view
friends being passive
it’s nothing new
Track Name: off days, odd days
lately it’s socially exhausting
to do anything
i go outside on my off days
and my odd days too
and seemingly
it's so rare to be feeling
the way i do

To receive a compliment
And deny it to myself vehemently
There’s gotta be something wrong with me
to perceive his honesty, i mean jesus christ!
it’s only what you’ve needed, it’s only what you work for
but A snail dies in ecstasy, in salt
Too much of a good thing is fine, for a little bit.
Track Name: 2 is who
all my friends had enough
a silent circle of death
10:30 is the new 3am so they say
sign the checks and go to bed

take it all in stride if you want it
a vicious cycle you chose to spin in
it’s only bad news in the deep end
but maybe, jay, it’s time to go to bed
Track Name: mocktrial
Sometimes I think about the guy who saw beethoven play and said that
"Commercial success is 85% luck"
But Beethoven just said “what?"
It's derivitive
nothing's off the cuff but a different version of what you expected

To take for granted the estranged relationships
and people who seemed to care
just for a little bit
I'm not especially proud
I'm not entirely confident in what it is
I'm about

wielded by inhibition
always in a mock trial with myself
call it want you want
call it being faulty in your own thoughts
Track Name: al revés
the series of events
that led me to getting over it
vs. the awkward pauses
and thinking too much
drinking too much
while we're packing up
the series of events i'd prefer you didn't bring up.
the defeated, oversimplified version of myself
sitting at the drums, a cardboard cutout.

and it was never that bad
but if you think too hard you'll go and
cut all your hair again

and it was never that bad
but if you think too hard you'll go and
pack up and move again
Track Name: Pomp & Circumstance pt.II
wish your friends the very best
and expect the same from them
an incredible amount of confidence

give thanks where it needed some
seize the day from the comfort of your home
seize the day from the comfort of your phone

feeling out what’s okay to say to my friends
screening my songs and conversations

i came across some old pictures from
Joe Roskopf's graduation
my heart is warm
my heart is full again

if you feel bad
it’s completely relatable
Track Name: call for submissions
like the outline
of painted over graffiti
you’re the outline
of something seething
i can’t explain
the baby birds peaking out the facia
waiting for mom
i follow my demons
when i see them

call for submissions is coming up
and i
can’t write under pressure
and i
won’t be too sour
if i don’t make it in i swear!
Track Name: fair weather friends
salt and pepper are friends by proximity
ya gotta think about the friends you think you need to keep
and yet i’ll close the door on everyone indiscriminately
when you come over just to leave
i have little sympathy

fair-weather friends were never friends
it’s an over sight, an ugly one at that
Track Name: it/that
it said “ i'm feeling awfully fine”
(it said in a sarcastic and passive aggressive timbre)
the ugly and unjustified nervous nature
threw me into a funk

we can talk all night
but we talked all the time ,
there's no combination of words
that can rearrange the facts

gifted to me clumsily in one small heap.
i don’t want to be a human being.

rearranged the molecules
strategically
watch the curtain drop dramatically
for the first time in history
the sentient jelly speaks!
Track Name: pervert
rustles from the ceiling
i heard you making love on the second floor
the writhing example of:
it’s all cyclical

am i equipped to judge? no

i shut out the people i love so easily
it sounds so night and day
when you put it that way
out of context it all gets so strange
the jobs i refuse to leave but keep taking

it’s a familial habit
despite how estranged
i’m not equipped to judge even myself!
Track Name: quick dog
do you get what you want from your friends?
or are you just an unwitting participant.

social status says you did it to yourself,
oh yes you did

the dog just wants you to have fun
Track Name: sliver
monogamy is a type of wood
and i got a sliver
but you talked me through it

i got blood on the bathroom floor
makes me wonder how much blood
has been there before

before

i dug it out
the hole gaping
i reached my whole hand in
and pulled out clumps of hair
i dug it out

these macabre thoughts return to me often
Track Name: channel blue pt.II
the grass touching her knees
there was a sick feeling
in the fauna and the sunlight
a departure in each step, higher than the last
her legs are uncomfortable
in the broken tv screen
there's something familiar in the static

she opened her eyes
in brand new packaging
feeling alright
Track Name: iota
all at once
the sky opened up revealing itself to me
for at least as far as i could see
the unquantifiable weight that time has set upon itself
and even now as i write it all out
the parables in traffic have slipped so far away

the rooms are stagnant and heavy
and there’s a tangible static around it
so you call me out
almost immediately you call me out

so frightful i’m greedy
i’ll be selfish even in death
but i don’t mind
whatever it is i leave behind
the void will eat me in a while

but in the interest
of preserving a series of feeling experiences
i wrote it down
and that’s fine