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January, 2018

by lifetime achievement award

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1.
in person 00:56
there’s no wiki-how to navigate to keep my voice from shaking to bring me back down while “In Person” by Vince Guaraldi plays cascading over blue lights as i’m holding on to your face for the last time and that’s hard as hell ain’t it miserable? with nothing new to say i must be unbearable
2.
Meg saw a lost dog then back tracked just to meet them but they were gone, and owned by no one isn’t it insane, to think that life is defined by the events that happen between sleeping it’s holding a match, as long as there’s a flame getting closer to the tips of your fingers it’s so easy to let yourself feel bad but i think i’m finally getting over that the broken fragile ugly hearts the bruised fruit nobody wanted to just be still, if that’s what you’re feeling is embarrassing
3.
sometimes i feel like papyrus font with words misspelled and caps lock on telling my jokes i know they never stick unless i tell them to my friends how i would love to be close to them but my birth chart only permits that i keep my distance away from them oh there i go talking up actual change when i can’t seem to let go of the imaginary things controlling me “ill get back to ya” (maybe in a few weeks) it has very little to do with me the despicable INFP never entirely sure what the T means i clean my room let myself go i can’t keep up with my money or my laundry, and i find it kinda funny it’s all just human therapy to help you cope with existing oh there i go i’m talking up the beautiful things i only conceptualize to rationalize my fears of letting go a caricature cradling my birthstone by a hearth burning my ideas of self worth, maybe i’ll see you out when i get it together but i keep blaming the weather and things i can’t control control what is control? i can’t stand it i’m wasting away, at not even 30 what happens after 30? what can i blame when i’m 30?
4.
hack up the spade then try to bury the hatchet giving in all the time what an awful stasis no room for excuses you say you want a change but the figure’s rarely moving on good days its cold winter ivory grip closing in and taking inventory of all the awful things you’re feeling then it laminates your lamentations just because just to rub it in your face
5.
cold sick 02:37
the stagnant cold rut feeling much less like myself visiting thoughts i thought expired no they very much have a shelf life they’re soft and ripe inside just reach out and take a bite maybe i quit too quick. you can’t have it your way if you’re a pacifist but can my teeth unclench? too busy digging into my fist you take direction you’re so accommodating you’re just no good when it comes to decision making you take a step outside you’re feeling alright for the first time in what seems like such a long time but will i ever do something interesting? (for the people i feel are worth impressing)
6.
make sense 01:10
in the case against prosperity I’ve found a way to feel bad about everything you can see me squirming in place in the exchange of words that’s all that it takes to make me wanna faint “oh don’t you want to get better? do you feel weird? is that weird? oh so weird! you must feel so weird all the time!” can you teach me to keep my cool? i can’t stand to seem to wanna get better once in a while i can kid myself that everything is fine, i perceived common decency as under attack can you make it make sense? i just wanted it all to make sense! does that make sense?

about

all songs written and produced by Jay Joslyn early 2018

<3 HUGE thanks to Courtney Parbs for the album art <3

credits

released August 5, 2018

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lifetime achievement award Milwaukee, Wisconsin

home recording project by Jay

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